sigh....babe has already started work at the flyer and it seems to me that because of this, things are so different from the way that they used to be. I can't help but worry about her sometimes and the fact that she isn't by my side just makes it worse. Then comes another problem..while she is at work, for as long as she is "outside" she won't be able to message me. Because of this, the number of times that she can contact me will only be so few. I'm just not used to this quietness for the moment so sometimes i unknowingly still anticipate her calls and sms-es. When i try to convey this feeling of mine to her, she would rebuke me and say that i make everyday the same..she was referring to her first day at work because at night during our conversation, i had asked her to quit and that made her sad because she felt a void in her heart when all she wanted was my support and for me to show my concern for her. I really don't know what i should do. It's like i just can't voice my own feelings. Somehow i feel that ever since she started work, things are now different. Our conversations aren't as free flowing as before and i have to watch what i say to avoid agonising her. I just wish her happiness and that she may find someone who would really know how to show his care and concern for her, whoever it may be. Whats meant to be is meant to be and what isn't will just stay that way. I'll just continue leading my life the way it is. I can't see the end but i'll just keep walking..

I dunnoe wad i did wrong. Last nite, while i was cleaning the hamster cage, babe called and because i had my hands full. i did not pick up the call.I had actually planned on calling her back in a short while's time once i am done but who knew that just because i did not pick up the call, babe called me on my hp 4 times and sent me an sms in a matter of 5 mins. When i called her back, all i did was tell her not to call me so many times in future but sadly, that did not go down well with her. According to her, i did not appreciate her care and concern for me and it hurt her badly. But my question is, what wrong have i done? I did not ask her NOT TO CALL AT ALL in future but just to not call so many times. She made it seem as though i had reprimanded her for calling and she stated that she would not call me anymore in future cause i did not even deserve it. So much for stating that she was hurt..what about me? What about the many times she asked me not to nag so much, not to blow things up? Am i then supposed to shut my mouth up for the rest of my life? Sometimes i just feel that she only looks at herself and beyond that is not of any concern to her. She did not care about my feelings when she said those things there and then but when i said the same things about her, it could have such a great effect on her. I really wonder how the future is gonne be like. For now it seems so bleak..we're quarelling almost every other day and over such trivial things. She doesn't seem to be able to understand that this relationship is not only about her, but me and us as well. If she is not happy, everything crumbles. I have no say in this relationship.. I just can't voice my thoughts and views. Just like this..all i wanted was a little space

She may not know but...

1)wherever we are, no matter how uncomfortable i may be, i will make sure that she is comfortable

2)no matter what the circumstances are,i will always put her before myself

3)that sometimes, i try to save up and tighten my belt a little more so that i can get her the things that she wants

4)deep down in me,i really love her alot and really wish that someday,she can be my wife

she will never know....sigh

Copied the following extract from babe's blog:

i'm a human.i'm not perfect.i'm a girl, not another guy.i have limits, lower than yours.i can't carry heavy weights.i can't stand being nagged all the time.don't be critical of me. i'm trying though not as hard as you want to.i hide not because i'm scared but because i don't want you to see me as a weak person.sorry will never mean a thing, i know.but still, i'll continue to try. no matter how much it hurts me inside.all for the sake of seeing you smile.this is me.this is steffi.this is who i am.if you love me, good.if you don't, i don't give a fuck

words like these really hurt me the most. Apparently, it appears as though i am pushing her way to hard. But am i really doing so? Asking her to make the effort to do crunches adn wear her retainers daily...is it too much to ask for? What benefit does it do for me? Yes,she will look better and while standing next to me,others may envy me for having such a beautiful girlfriend but the truth is,what good does it do for me? I admit that i would like to see her looking better but at the same time,i want her to feel good about herself as well. I may be selfish but is that asking for too much? Asking her to go to the gym with me and carry some weights ( just the first or second one only). Is that too much? I am clearly aware that she is a girl and my girlfriend mind you so would i push her so hard? So many times i just end up telling her it is ok, ending off with a sentence hoping that she would improve the next time and she said that she would...just like the crunches and the fact that i dun want her to go for another guy, she gave me her word but at the end of the day, what happened? Am i really asking for too much? Somehow i really envy other guys out there who can have a girlfriend who would willingly engage in sports with them. Somehow,it is not just about the girl wanting to do or not...i believe that at times, the focus is on doing things together. Sadly though, babe in her statements has indicated that for as long as she does not wat to do smthing, she will not do so. If only she looked beyond herself and take into consideration about the fact that we are both in this relationship together and at times, it is not just about her but me as well. Perhaps i have been saying too much. Concern means nothing anymore...it is time to shut up.

This is the very first entry right here in this special blog of mine. It will be dedicated purely to my thoughts and feelings. So here goes nothing.